Assessment Time

The end of the year always seems like a great time to reassess my progress of weight loss. I will admit I've gone up and down like a yo yo but as of a few moments ago, I am at 317. It wasn't where I expected to be just short of my 38th birthday but that is changing starting now. I bought a smart phone recently and now it's one of my most valuable tools in my journey of weight loss.I downloaded the my fitness pal application that helps me keep track of calorie intake, weight loss or gain, exercises each day and I absolutely love it. I resisted for months keeping tack of my calories but now that has become so much easier and even fun. I believe that I fell into the trap of thinking that losing weight involved eating like a rabbit and that is no fun at all. I realized that making myself feel non-human is not the way to go. I am the first to say I enjoy food and losing weight should not include being miserable when I eat. My mother introduced me to Quinoa an incredible whole grain that is packed with fiber, iron, and essential amino acids. It helps me feel as if I'm eating rice or mashed potatoes but much healthier. It's easy to prepare and tastes fantastic. I feel that eating in moderation is  key to success. I don't believe that food has been my enemy but it's been myself burdened with emotional wounds and self-hatred. I used food to comfort myself and now I find new ways to feel better that don't involve food. I play with my dog Abby, listen to audio books, anything that keeps my mind off food. I
I am wearing fifty inch waist blue jeans down from fifty four and fifty six inch waist jeans. I've made lots of progress but I'm excited to keep working towards my goal. When my birthday arrives soon, I intend to be happy and excited about all the good things coming my way. My life has truly turned around during the past year. Last year (2010) was one of the most miserable of my life but not anymore. The most important key to my weight loss besides diet and exercise is feeling good about myself. Those of you that know me know that I've struggled with self-image my entire life. I have to feel good about who I am and love myself and stop beating myself up. Losing weight is an emotional experience and it's been challenging but I'm overcoming the obstacles. Life is good and I am determined to not give up. I have the best friends and family to help keep me encouraged. Be blessed and be well.

A Moment of Inspiration

My weight loss journey has been absolutely incredible. It's difficult at times to put into words how all of this feels for me. The biggest miracle for me has been to look at myself in the mirror without any feelings of  self criticism and that feels amazing. I no longer have the feelings of self hatred and finally I have gotten my life back. I know this because I can do all the things I used to before all the weight gain but with an upgraded body. I see myself as healthy, happy, worthy, and loved. I have the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I feel that my life is now blessed and I am thrilled to be out basking in the sunshine and goodness of life. I have decided that depression and self hatred no longer have a place in my life. They have served their purpose and now it's time to leave. I have learned valuable lessons from my depression and self hatred. I realized it's not a way to live my life and I don't have to live that way if I choose not too. I can begin right now to be happy, healthy, abundant, successful and it takes a lot less energy than feeling depressed does. I believe I may have read somewhere that we use more muscles to frown than smile. I think smiling is much better. Be blessed and be well.

A Long Over Due Update

I think that somehow time has gotten away from me. However I have an excellent update to make up for the long delay. My starting weight was 349 and today I am down to 317 if my math is correct that is 32 pounds. The fact the last two numbers of my current weight is in the teens in enough to put me on cloud nine.  The majority of the weight loss has occurred since August 5, 2011. I have to exercise a lot and eat right but it is becoming much easier. I can now touch my toes!!!!! I cannot remember the last time I could do that. All the little things I've taken for granted are coming back to me and now I'm determined to keep making progress and remember what my goal is. I haven't had this much grit determination since my college days. During my last two years of school I worked two to three jobs just to get through financially. One of those jobs was working in my former landlord's chicken houses. I picked up eggs, cleaned them, and then prepared them for transport. It wasn't a pleasant job but it taught me a great deal about life, achieving goals, and being thankful for everything that's in my life. I wasn't always in the mood to pick up eggs during inclement weather, or when all I wanted to do was sleep. I also had to walk the houses and pick up eggs and place them on the conveyor belt while tackling hens and roosters. Those were good times. This also applies to losing weight. I sometimes wake up thinking I cannot handle another day of exercise and eating right. It isn't always fun and I hate to say that but there are times when I miss my old habits. I am tempted to dive into a giant bag of Doritos and tell the world to forget it. On the flip side it is quite a thrill to put on a pair of jeans only to have them fall to my ankles with no assistance from me. I love it. I am truly blessed to have fantastic people in my life who are always there to encourage me especially when I feel like giving up. I may be overweight now but it's only temporary and will not last for much longer. I no longer see myself as overweight and hideous. I see myself as a person that has healed, is still healing, and has a much better outlook on life. I have progressed from wanting to take my own life to wanting my life to be incredible. I will accept nothing but a fantastic life. With every step I take I am thankful for all I have. Be blessed and be well.

The Miracles Keep Happening

 I thought my last visit to the doctor was something to shout about but the last two weeks only adds to all my happiness. I made some adjustments in my diet and the results have been nothing short of phenomenal. I have lost a total of 12 pounds during the last two weeks. I'm not starving myself or making huge impossible sacrifices that would only result in failure. I have given up my daily morning Coca-Cola and maybe have one on Sunday morning just because I want to have a little taste. I have also done away with refined sugar, processed food, and definitely fast food. I cannot begin to explain how incredible I'm feeling. This afternoon I actually felt like cleaning the living room, vacuuming, picking up and throwing away dog toys that Abby has decimated. I no longer feel winded after doing chores around the house and that feels fantastic. My brother will now jump up and down for joy because his burden just lightened up considerably. I don't expect to lose 12 pounds every two weeks now two pounds a week sounds reasonable and realistic. However, I did not achieve these results by feeling miserable or eating like a rabbit. My trainer emphasizes how diet is 99% of weight loss and the rest is exercise. My workouts get more challenging each time I go in and I'm having the time of my life. I feel that my workouts are a gift made especially for me. Life feels so good. Be blessed and well.

First Caveman Drill (Modified)

When I arrive to my workout it's normal for me to look at the dry erase board with the previous night's drill. I don't think anything about it and just dive right into my own workout. It took me a few minutes but I suddenly realized that my workout was eerily similar to what was written on the board. Sam explained I was doing my first modified caveman drill. I did a ten second sprint on the bike, 75lb deadlift (8 reps down to six by the last two rounds), pulled a sled with weight approximately 40 yards (by the last two or three rounds I reduced that distance a little but I'm extremely proud), chopping station 4 reps per arm, this is my favorite!!!!! I get to hit a huge tire with a sledge hammer!!!! :-)  and we wonder why I love it so much. I believe I did this circuit about five times and I felt like I was on cloud nine. Sam pushed me like she would people in one of her classes and it felt fantastic. When I first started I thought it would take forever for me to do tire lifts, chopping station, ball slam, and all the other neat exercises but it didn't. This entire process has been like learning to walk I had to start somewhere and now look where I've come. I sometimes wonder if Sam will sneak in the bridge or bird dog exercise just to see what my response would be. I better not give her any more ideas. I'm loving this and feel so grateful for feeling good again. I feel at times that my body is taking a deep relaxing breath and telling me thank you for doing this. Be well and be blessed.

Mind Over Matter

Feeling upbeat and thrilled about my clean bill of health, my trainer and I decided to kick things up a notch to see if I can improve my results for the next month. I agreed with Sam about making my workouts more challenging and changing my diet just a bit. For the next month I intend to cut out or drastically reduce the amount of refined sugar I take in and this means me eliminating my morning Coca Cola. I'm also avoiding food high in starch to help burn more fat. I've been a junk food addict for way too long and the cycle must be broken now. My plan is to retrain my taste buds to enjoy healthier food choices and break the cycle once and for all. I've got to do this for me and my health. My goal is to be healthy and fit. I have my doctor's blessing and that is good enough for me. I am feeling so alive and energized. I no longer suffer from insomnia and that makes a tremendous difference. I can walk from room to room without losing my breath and only four months ago that would have made me feel like dying. One thing I know for sure is that what I'm doing is working. I am at the stage where I'm beginning to love myself again and that is huge for me. I am enjoying being challenged more by my trainer in fact I have a feeling that I'll thrive. I've been long overdue for a positive and meaningful challenge in my life. I have the same enthusiasm about this as I did boarding school. Feeling great and being healthy is worth the effort and hard work. I believe that Friday's results at the doctor's office is sufficient proof.  Life is so good. Be well and blessed.

Benefits of having pets

In addition to a healthy diet and plenty of exercise, my dog Abby a one year old Dogue De Bordeaux, is part of my health regimen.

An article from www.peteducation.com discussed eight ways owning a pet can improve our lives. I got Abby last fall when my depression was at one of its lowest points. I am a dog person.  Nothing personal against cats. I just prefer dogs. I've had dogs since I was about nine years old. I will admit that there have been a couple of dogs dear to my heart that I've made up songs for, but singing these songs always made me feel so good.

Having pets benefits us in many ways and here are a few to consider: Reduce risk for heart attack and increase odds of survival, lower cholesterol and triglycerides, lowers blood pressure and stress, increase physical activity, fewer medical appointments and minor health problems, predict seizures, prevent Parkinson's patients from falling, sniff out certain skin cancers, and even alert people who have hypoglycemia giving them ample time to prevent onset of symptoms.

I love animals and always knew deep down that they benefit our lives in so many ways. One of the most important things Abby does for me is to help me live in the present moment. I forget about the past and stop worrying about the future. Maybe that is one of the reasons dogs seem so happy.

 

Doctor's visit and latest update

I saw my doctor yesterday for a checkup. I was feeling anxious about my weight and wondering how much I may have lost. Would I be disappointed? Heck no. My beginning weight was 349 now it's down to 344. That may not sound like much, but when you realize that I've lost six inches and that muscle weighs more than fat it begins to take on a new significance.  I felt elated at the news and couldn't be any happier if I tried. These are five pounds that I'll never have to worry about again. What really got me excited were my blood pressure and resting pulse rate. My blood pressure was 120/80 (has not been this low since HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!! That's almost twenty years heck yeah I was excited. My pulse when I began API was 96 now at a perfect 76. There is always hope. Not too long ago I was on the brink of wanting to die. I felt like it would be better than all the pain I was going through. These results are miraculous to me especially considering the circumstances. I've come to the realization that wanting to die is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is hope please don't give up even if you feel that would be the easiest way to escape pain. Depression, anxiety, and self hatred are not easy to live with. I've been to the bottom of the deepest dark pit tempted to take my own life twice. It isn't worth it. If you feel hopeless please seek help and surround yourself with supportive people who really care about you. You are being strong when you seek help, that is a huge step. I sought help from my doctor and was led to API and then on top of that I make one of the best friends in my life. My trainer Sam is awesome and a tremendous source of encouragement. I feel safe to express my feelings good or bad. Losing weight is an emotional experience too. There is a lot of baggage that comes along with it. When I began to let go of all the emotional garbage it makes room for all the good stuff in life. On a much brighter note today's workout was freaking cool. I got to flip my first tire not just any ordinary tire a huge one. Sam had to spot me but I flipped it several times and that my friends motivates me even more towards my goal. We can do anything we put our minds to life isn't hopeless. I hope I am able to inspire at least one person. I've been through some painful experiences in life, we all have and it's okay to hurt. However, after the pain, hopelessness, darkness, and despair there is light and healing. I promise. Oh the huge tire at the top is the one I flipped. Don't tell me there isn't hope because this is one of many proofs.

Life After Obesity

I often times wonder what will my life be when the excess weight is off. How will I dress? What kind of attitude will I have? Will I be brave enough to wear dresses again but this time feeling really good about it. Or... the thought of getting my ears pierced? Hmmmm so many things to think about. I get all excited knowing that each day I'm getting closer to my goal. My trainer has emphasized small obtainable goals. Okay I can go with that but I have a very important event to prepare for. The significance of this future event motivates me even more because it's going to kick butt. I'm sorry but you'll just have to wait. I will let you know when it happens. I feel like I'm undergoing an extensive deconstruction only to be totally rebuilt. I am becoming a different person. All I've ever known is obesity. I have always been a little heavy or really heavy my entire life. This is an emotional realization for me because I have no clue what to expect. I'm thrilled but a little nervous. I've always thought that people lose weight and then life simply goes on from there. That hasn't been my experience at all. I will be living my life in a new and better way. I'm off to have a fabulous weekend planning a new life full of happiness and success. Be well and be blessed.

An Amazing Gift

My mother has always been a tremendous part of my life. When I was born, my chances of survival were fairly slim. She recalls doctors, friends, and loved ones coming into her room saying how sorry they were that she was going to lose her baby. I was placed inside an incubator not expected to live long. However, my mom turned the situation around in her mind. She told everyone to not come and visit her if they were convinced of my imminent demise. My mom knew deep down that I was going to live and now here I am over thirty seven years later writing these words. My mother didn't spend time worrying about the hows, she just knew and believed that her baby was going to live. I think back to that story and feel blown away by her deep faith. This isn't any different than what The Secret says. Why should it not be possible for us to turn our lives around by simply changing the way we view the situation? It's taken me over ten years to understand this concept. I have changed the way I look at my body and health. I declare myself to be healthy and fit but also do the work necessary to achieve that goal. I do not expect for things I want to miraculously fall from the heavens into my hands. I am a firm believer in taking action. I've been told countless times that I think and analyze too much. I love thinking about stuff like this and it is becoming much easier for me to see the possibilities in life instead of limitations. My mom has always told me that God or the Universe has more solutions to our problems than we could ever imagine. I believe it one hundred percent. I am open to the endless possibilities around me. Thanks again mom!!!!!! I love you!!!!

Inner Strength

Throughout my journey I have discovered two types of inner strength inside me. I have my physical strength that has been steadily increasing and then my inner, spiritual, motivation to get through challenges. I've always considered myself a fairly strong person physically. My father had me splitting fire wood and tilling the garden at a young age. I was raised to know what hard physical work was like. I'm talking picking up every pine cone and stick in a one to two acre yard well, it was boring and tedious and not any fun at all. I am confident that the word fun did not enter my father's mind when he was choosing our daily chores. However, he along with my mother taught me the value of work. Then there is the inner strength inside me that hasn't always been as strong until now. As my body is undergoing a physical transformation my spiritual strength is coming into its own. There are distinct times during my life when my inner strength was all I had. While I attended boarding school it took everything I had to stay sane during my two years. It wasn't because I was miserable being there, I loved it, I thrived but the hardest part was feeling helpless being so far from home. The most difficult and emotionally draining thing to have ever happened to me was the death of my young cousin, Gwyneth in 2007. She had been ill for quite some time and we all knew the end result. Unfortunately, she had an incurable illness that took her away too soon. She may have been my cousin, but I loved her with all my heart. I still cry to this day because the hurt was so deep. Gwyneth and I never argued and she was always, always so very sweet and kind to me. She gave me the best hugs and I always knew that she loved me no matter what. Gwyneth had qualities  I admired and respected. She could care less what anyone thought about her she was a genuine person. What you saw was what you got. I would love to not give a hoot about what anyone thinks about me. I feel she would want me to buck up and do whatever it is I have to do to get my life back. What she endured pales in comparison to my weight gain and weight loss. I know I can do this and her memory is one of the many things that keep me motivated. My inner voice may be above a whisper now but a year from now I will be roaring to victory. Be well and be blessed.

Feeling Like Superman

I feel like Superman today. Today is one of those days when I believe I can do, be, and have anything I desire. I love days like today when I'm reminded that ANYTHING is possible. I firmly believe that and strive towards perfecting that belief. I'm not talking fairy tales here either. I am talking about the ability to create my life any way I want. Many years ago, I was a member of a tiny Methodist Church in Edom, Tx a lovely place. The pastor's name was Bruce and in one of his sermons he explained how everyday is like a blank sheet of paper. We can do whatever we want with that paper. We can choose to do nothing or do something constructive, the possibilities are endless. I've always kept that in my mind. I will admit there were days in my life when I have done absolutely nothing with my daily blank sheet of paper. I spent almost the entire year of 2000 playing a PC game Diablo II Lord of Destruction. It's a really cool game but definitely not a productive way to spend one's day. Last summer was similar minus the constant game playing, I just ate and watched TV. Thankfully today is completely different and I spend each day being constructive. It doesn't matter if that involves cleaning my house, watering plants, whatever it is as along as I'm doing something. My father once told me that we should spend our time like we spend our money and he's right. If we're careful on how we spend our money then time should be no different. I would like to think that I've gotten much better at time management but there is room for improvement. You may have noticed that recently, I've missed some days on writing this blog. That is because I do not want to fill this up or waste your time with a bunch of blah blah blah. I want my readers to come away feeling as if they have learned something valuable or maybe it helped you feel better. This blog needs to be useful not just another string of words that really say nothing. I strive to do the best I can. I admit I have a habit of rereading my blogs to make sure I got everything right. Today is a fantastic day and I'm thankful for it. I will be grateful for feeling like Superman today and remember these feelings so when I have a challenging day, I'll have something to come back to. Be well and be blessed.

Bright Outlook

Yesterday and today made up for Tuesday and Wednesday being miserable for me. I noticed while doing lunges that my stomach is noticeably smaller!!!!  For me this is huge news. I've always known I'm making progress but it is sweet when I finally can see it. I can now speak while walking, pushing the prowler across the floor and all of my other exercises. I am amazed I have gone from being out of breath with every step to talking while exercising. My first appointment my heart rate after a two minute walk was a whopping 185! Resting heart rate was 96. One month ago heart rate after two minute walk was 125 and resting pulse was 82. Today after lunges, my heart rate was 90 and that was after resting two minutes. Not too shabby in my book. I may have said all of this before but it proves to me that my body is telling me I'm on the right track. I wish all of you could feel the relief I'm experiencing right now knowing I'm on my way to great health. I wish some people could walk in the shoes of a severely obese person and know what it's like, maybe they would stop insulting overweight individuals. I have a fear about a photo of me being posted on the people of Walmart webpage. Honestly if we could all walk in each others shoes maybe we could all be nicer to one another. I've got plenty of faults I'm working on and one of them is to cut down on complaining so much. Life is so good there is really no need to complain about every little thing. However, nothing beats a good venting with a good friend who is there for you. I feel blessed to have this blog as a way to vent frustrations but most of all to tell about all the wonderful things that keep happening. Be well and be blessed.

Eureka Moment

A dear friend of mine commented yesterday on my facebook page about my blog. She made an excellent point and it got me thinking about the real reasons behind my weight gain. My friend said my weight wasn't the real issue but "the most glaring symptom of my inner turmoil". She's right. I've got so much inner turmoil it isn't funny. I used to apologize every time I would enter a room. I think back now and can hardly believe I hated myself that much! I still have issues of self hatred and I struggle daily with those each day. I have a terrible habit of hitting myself when I make a mistake. I did that yesterday during the early portion of my workout. Honestly, there was no good reason for me to get mad at myself so, I had difficulty doing something that normally would be easy for me. I wish I could stop all of this immediately but hopefully I will gradually. I really want to be healthy emotionally and physically. I've taken my share of beatings in the emotions department but I don't want to make excuses. But Hell...I remember teachers, guidance counselors telling me I was STUPID or too SLOW!!!  These people should never say anything like this to anyone! When I closely examine what type of people they are I no longer feel so bad about myself. I came from a small town in Southwest Arkansas where this type of behavior is prevalent. It was a small town full of small minded people who made a habit of hurting those they thought less of. My hometown isn't completely full of hateful people, one of my oldest and dearest friends of thirty years resides there. Good, loving people do live there it's just that some of the most hateful and critical individuals I came across are from there.  Sometimes I feel so trapped by all of my own personal issues and wonder is there really a way to get past them. My former English teacher Lucia told me several times that what others thought about me was not a reflection of who I was as a person. That has always stuck with me even though I'm not the greatest at following advice. I'm so hard headed and tend to take the difficult path in learning life's lessons. One of my biggest fears is that I've let everyone in my life down, especially myself. When I was growing up I never visualized having all of the issues I have now. I thought for sure I would have my life together at least in a "normal" sense. What the heck is normal anyway? I gave up on that a long time ago. Maybe food has been a way that I've nursed myself from all the hurts I've gotten in life. It could be that this is a part of the puzzle of my dysfunction. I feel much better now and I thank you all for your time. Be well and blessed.

Daily Food Intake

I was asked to clarify a few things about my eating habits. I have changed my view of food from one of living to eat to one of eating to live. I must eat healthy food in order to have energy to maintain proper health. I've had to make myself do this. I remind myself that in order to lose weight I must stop eating for no good reason. Today I showed my trainer a photo of what I had on my plate Thanksgiving Day. I explained I had eaten two helpings of what I had on my plate, it was a huge amount of food. Sam's jaw hit the floor and after she picked it up exclaimed she couldn't believe it. It's true I used to shovel food down my throat as if it were my last meal. My favorite snacks are: grapes, apples, strawberries, sunflower seeds ( a very small amount usually sprinkled on cottage cheese), tomatoes, and almonds. I make it a point to eat foods that build my health. Long gone are the days of eating an entire bag of Doritos, or an entire sleeve of crackers while drinking a Coca Cola. I was especially bad at night while suffering from insomnia eating was just another way to occupy my time. I will repeat emphatically that in my humble opinion, weight loss is a lifestyle change. It involves eating healthy and exercising. Eating healthy does not involve eating like a rabbit. For example, breakfast I have two scrambled eggs, a slice of multi-grain toast, apple slices with natural peanut butter. Lunch usually consists of a meat and two vegetables. On days I work out I may eat a bowl of mult-grain spaghetti, and dinner I have a rule that eliminates anything starchy. That means no rice, pasta, bread, potatoes, or corn at night. The last part may sound a little extreme but it's only temporary. By this time next year I should be able to slowly add in those things I'm not allowed to eat everyday but in moderation. Eating in moderation has become my new mantra. I also have discovered that if allowed to wait a few minutes after eating a meal, I'm usually feeling full. I give my food time to settle a few minutes before getting anything else. Even on my cheat meals I'm no longer over eating. I eat a single portion and feel satisfied. Sometimes this sucks like earlier this morning but the benefits outweigh the struggles. This blog is more than just about my weight, it's about getting my life back one day at a time. It doesn't always feel pleasant but I wouldn't change my decision to do all of this for anything in the world. Most importantly, my journey is allowing more wonderful things to enter into my life and I'm ready to accept them. Be well and blessed.

Going with the flow

Today's workout kicked my butt the first half. I felt so ticked off with myself and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "I'm done!!!!! Freaking done with this crap!!!!" but I can't do that. I have a real anger problem and I will be honest about that. I don't mean too but I do and there have been numerous times in my life where my temper has gotten me in trouble. My dear trainer reminds me it's okay and we all have days when our workouts are difficult but we must continue or progress will not be made. The word progress has become a thorn in my side. My reason is I feel physically I'm not making any progress even though people tell me till they are blue in the face I look better. I still feel like a fat loser. I know I'm far from that but it's how I feel sometimes. I just hate being this way and it hurts. I fear this will never change and that I'm just wasting time and money on this training.  However, after shaking all the negativity off of me I tell myself I am achieving a goal it just takes time.  I feel like I'm asking God for patience but telling Him to hurry. I know better than to ask for patience because I've been through times in my life where I thought "I can't handle one more day of ... you fill in the blank". Venting helps me feel better and Sam is always there listening to me bless her. I'm blessed to have a trainer like Sam. I can't handle a drill sergeant right now maybe later but definitely not when my emotions appear on my sleeve. Sam still pushes me but she's gentle about it and uses humor to help me forget about being aggravated. She helps me a great deal and always seems to know how to help me feel better or at least look at the bright side. I'm not trying to place her upon a pedestal but after hearing a lot of people from my past put me down it's  so nice to hear an encouraging voice. The rest of my workout was lots of fun and I ended up feeling so much better. No complaints there. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be at the gym at 8:00AM ready to go with a renewed sense of purpose. I am going to make it. I will even though I feel like I'm getting no where. In reality I'm moving further than I ever thought possible. Be well and blessed. Thank you so much Sam for everything.

Enjoying Life

I always love visiting with my mom on my treat days. She makes such good food plus I enjoy spending time with her. Today we had lasagna and strawberry pound cake for dessert. During our meal my mom is fussing about about how the lasagna doesn't look perfect or the pound cake fell apart when she removed it from the pan. Personally, those details do not bother me. What matters is that my mother prepares our meals with love and good natural ingredients. I always feel healed when I eat food she fixes for me no matter how fancy or simple. Last summer when I was so sick she made me a cool tall glass of lemon grass tea. I thought I died and went to heaven with every sip. Just like the negative people in our lives are our teachers the positive ones are too. There is so much I can learn from my mom. She has compassion for living things especially plants and animals. I want to be a much more loving person and not so full of anger and impatience. I keep telling myself I will get there. I know I will. There are a million emotions I'm feeling during this moment. It's challenging to put all that I feel and think into words. Life has never felt so good to me as it has now and I have never felt so loved and cared about as I have now. I'm finally healing after all these years of struggling to like myself, and wishing at times that I could die. I want to live now more than ever. I want to see how far I can go, and find this person that's been hiding all these years. I have no idea what I'll be like this time next year but I am confident I will not be the same. I will be whole. Be well and blessed.

Thank You

I owe each of you a huge "Thank You" for following me so far on my journey. I have been touched by your thoughts of encouragement and also appreciate the advice you give me. I was unsure if anyone would be interested but you have been and that means the world to me.
I have realized during this journey and struggle there have been a million things I've taken for granted and I refuse to do that anymore. I will never take for granted the many blessings I have. The fact I wake up each day,being able to walk, see, speak, hear, are miracles. I never realized how important something is until I am unable to do it any longer. It is my hope that I will say more thank yous than complaints. I feel that a lot of my complaining and being ungrateful have gotten me in trouble. I believe that our thoughts and especially words are powerful. There are others in this world who have it way worse than I ever thought of  and still manage find something to be happy about. Being happy is a choice I have to make each day and it's a worthwhile ambition. Not only am I on a health mission but a spiritual one as well. I feel the two intertwine and play a huge part in my life. I have read the books "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra (and many others by him I am a huge fan) and of course "The Secret" and "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne. I understand people have their opinions whether good or bad about "The Secret". I may not agree with everything it says but something about it rings true with me. Actually a lot of it rings true with me. I'm not saying look at the world through rose colored glasses besides, that color wouldn't look good on me. The biggest challenge with these wonderful books has been finding a way to help it work in my own life. If others have done it, are doing it, then I can too. I think I have a few mental blocks that prevent me from being able to let go and just "be". I will definitely get there. I will. I'm finding my happiness as I progress through my quest for health and fitness. I feel I will be surprised with all that I will achieve. Change is a good thing, it sure beats not doing a thing about my problems. Be well and blessed.

Writer's Block

I seem to be having the worst case of writer's block today. I've been trying all day to think of something to write down. There is one thing I would like to mention though. Inspiration can come from unexpected sources and today was a great example. From day one my trainer's fourteen year old son has been in my corner cheering me on. Now you may ask why in the world is this so important to me. My response is this young man has got to be one of the most sincere people I have ever met. He has no clue about how his words of encouragement and prayers bring me tears of happiness every time I hear them. I expect my family and friends to be with me all the way. I LOVE and TREASURE each and every one of them too. However, I don't expect a teenager to give a hoot about anything that happens to me. I really don't have anything against teenagers the poor things have enough to put up with. I remember those days not so fondly. I wasn't one of the popular kids, I was an outsider and alone but that was only until boarding school (that is another story). Now back to this fourteen year old. My point is you never know what a difference you make in another person's life with your words and actions. I have only met this young man one time and I wish I had the courage to tell him thank you for all the prayers and encouragement. I'm sure our paths will cross again and I will definitely thank him then. Never pass up an opportunity to give a kind word or gesture because you may not realize how much you can change a person's life. Be well and blessed.

Realizing my limitations

This morning I spoke with my trainer about how difficult walking is for me. I requested that we work on the stationary bike more because it is easier on my joints. I've made great strides with my walking but still have a long way to go. Somehow I feel like I'm taking the easy route this way but that's not even close to the truth. Riding the bike is actually more challenging without the severe impact to my knees. I rode for five minutes straight with three brief sprints added to the exercise. Today was an awesome day. I felt on top of the world and like nothing could stop me. Sam would talk to me about everyday things so  my mind would not be focused on how long I peddled. I was on the bike on at least three occasions.  When I place my attention some where else it's amazing how far I can push myself. However, walking has been so difficult for me and I had to bring it up. I feel it is just as important to realize what we are not able to do (even if it's temporary) and of course realize what we can do. I know I've said a million times on here it will take time but that's fine with me. I try to make small reachable goals and keep my eyes and mind on them instead. The larger picture is still there of course but it does not seem so daunting. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this for the past three months. I've been following my meal plan for only two but I can tell a HUGE difference in how I feel. I feel "lighter" now and not so weighed down and exhausted. I feel alive and full of purpose. The most challenging element for me has been the way I view food. That has been my greatest struggle. It's a feat to change my view of eating from something I look forward to into something I must do to live and be healthy. I remember waiting to eat something and feeling excited about it. Now, I eat because I have to. I do have my two cheat meals per week and my favorite one is at my mom's house. I would agree the food is fabulous but the reason I love it so much is because I'm with my family. Sam tells me to save my cheat meals for the days I feel weak and I understand her point. However, I enjoy having a meal with those I love most. I made a compromise with myself and I save one of those cheat meals for during the week when I have one of those weak moments. I am loving life right now and that feels so good especially with all the depression and anxiety I've experienced. Life is good. Be well and blessed.

Leaving my comfort zone

I left my comfort zone during work out this morning. My normal routine consists of doing an exercise for a couple of minutes, break, then continue exercising. I worked out for five minutes solid at various stations set up by my trainer. Please do not think my training has been easy it hasn't been and it will not get any easier. Today's aim was to build up my endurance. I may have walked ten minutes at Wal-Mart Saturday night but that was complete with numerous stops in between periods of walking. Today I rode a stationary bike for two minutes, then on to the battle ropes for thirty seconds and so on. I did more interval training today than caveman training. I enjoy both a great deal. Caveman training is fabulous for relieving stress especially when someone has really upset you. My all time favorite exercise is the chopping station, this is when I take a sledge hammer and hit an over sized tire with it. I don't hit with all my might but allow the hammer to bounce up, catch it and then you get the idea. Interval training involves exercising in brief bursts resting in between activities and it is effective. There has been a gradual increase of time while completing an exercise. If my trainer never pushed me even a little I would never be where I am now and I certainly would not reach my fitness goals. Life is the same way. My mother and I love her dearly. I really do. She has been one of my loudest and strongest supporters my entire life. She has been instrumental in helping me leave my comfort zone in a variety of areas. It used to irritate me to death but now I'm so thankful she did not allow me to only accept the status quo but go beyond. My mom is all about her children being happy, healthy, and being their own person. She would not be where she is today if it were not for her leaving her comfort zone to become a successful writer. It took years of determination, hard work, mixed in with rejection, irritation, but it all paid off. I have had the honor and pleasure of knowing a lot of wonderful, brilliant, inspiring, and fantastic people in my life. There are way too many to name. I've been blessed to know some incredible individuals and I will always carry a part of them with me forever. To me life is about taking chances and if we don't how will we ever know how far we can go? If my mother never introduced me to Deepak Chopra and other great teachers I'm not sure I would have made the progress I've made. Much of my progress in life has been letting go of beliefs that no longer serve me. I've made great strides in what I think and in how I view the world around me. Now it is time for my body to match what my thoughts are. I like what Buddha said "All that we are is  the result of what we have thought". I like that and I enjoy the evolution I am going through this moment. I am able to appreciate change and its function in my life. I love this journey and look forward to see  how close I can come to reaching the stars. Be well and be blessed.

Getting Rid of Clutter

Today I will begin ridding my life of useless clutter. There are boxes of clothes I have yet to unpack since I moved three months ago. I have plenty of hangers, closet space waiting to be utilized, and an empty dresser begging to be useful again. I feel this is such a healthy thing to do. I will save a few articles of clothing that are my current size to show how big I was and the rest will go to charity. I look forward to wearing some of my smaller sized jeans and shirts as the weeks and months fly by. In the meantime, I am going to make my room a more peaceful and serene place. Organizing my belongings will be an excellent first step in improving the flow of energy and helping myself feel great. I am  loving this journey even with all the grunting, screaming, kicking, and wanting to give up at times. I'm thrilled with the progress I've made in such a short period of time. I wonder what will be next. I can't wait to put a new profile picture on my social web page to show the new and improved me, the real me hiding behind the cloak of excess weight. I'm learning to spend my time like I spend my money, wisely and with purpose. I look forward to the positive changes in my life. Be well and be blessed.

Happy Evolution

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life at this very moment. Seriously I really am. I feel like a bird that is slowly hatching from an egg ready to spread my wings and finally take flight. This past three months has been an evolution for me. I used to be a broken person inside and out. You could tell just by looking at me that I wasn't happy and I certainly didn't feel good. When I awoke this morning I thought about how my former job as a jailer and how it was not for me. I realized it wasn't what I was meant to do. Being in a jail setting wasn't my calling. I had numerous people tell me this job did not fit my personality, I was too nice, polite etc... I used to take that as an insult but now I don't. I'm happy there are people who are meant for jobs like that. It takes a special person to work in such a challenging environment. I finally know what path I want to take and it makes me feel free. I don't regret all the difficulties I've had in life whether they are personal, job related, or something else entirely. All of my struggles have made me a better and stronger person. Words are inadequate in describing how the past three months have been for me. I knew this journey would change my life but I didn't know it would be so drastic. I wake up each day feeling I have a purpose for living and doing my very best each day. Life feels so good right now and I am so thankful and grateful. I want to help others achieve the life of their dreams. I would like to be a source of hope, encouragement, and inspiration. I have the intention of telling someone if I can do this then I know you can do anything you put your mind to. Most importantly, I want to tell others that life isn't hopeless or meaningless. I know from experience how that feels, I've felt the pain, despair, the struggle to get out of bed and face the day ahead. I want to take all of the negativity from my past and turn it into something positive. That is my intention and desire. I wish I would have realized this sooner but maybe now is the perfect time to start. I've spent enough time doing what I thought others think I should do with my life. Now, I'm living for me, loving me, taking care of me, and finally forgiving myself. I owe a huge thank you to all the people in my life who never liked me, were hateful, critical, and even those who hate me with a passion. They have been the best teachers I've ever had in life. This includes people from childhood until now. I wish I could say "Thank You" for helping me see my true self and enabling me to become a stronger person who is no longer broken. I'm not broken anymore. I'm repaired and get regular tune up three times a week with my trainer who is also one of my dearest friends. I'm so blessed in many, many ways. I really am and I couldn't be happier with my friends or my family if I tried. I have to mention my dog Abby, she brings me so much happiness and smiles each day. I wonder why we humans can't be more like animals in some ways. Animals don't back stab, gossip, or tell all your secrets. They LOVE and keep loving more and more. God has been so good to me in life. Life is good even though bad things happen it's worth everything to me. Be well and blessed.

Patience

Being patient about something I really want is not easy for me. I am not the most patient person around either. I guess modern life with all it gadgets and gizmos add to this problem. I seem to remember when I was studying psychology, we discussed using  a push button phone over the old fashioned rotary phones (yes I am old enough to remember these old relics of the distant past, we had several in our house) our brains are automatically programmed to the faster device. As a result we begin to expect things faster. I compare this to losing weight, it takes time and lots of it. I wish there were a magic bullet to this and there aren't any. I have looked, researched, and looked some more. It doesn't exist. I've been at this for three months, exercising three times per week and healthy eating. I definitely notice feeling better, sleeping through the night, my heart not racing, and my mobility has improved. However, it isn't as noticeable with my clothing. My clothes are beginning to fit better at least a little bit and my shirts are a little looser on me. I have lost quite a few inches about an average of two to three during the past three months. My trainer Sam reassures me that at least by summers end I'll notice the changes in my body. This one issue is the one that aggravates me the most. It's not my dear trainer, she is a God send and that's the truth. The part that bothers me most is I've been dedicated to this process for a good while, and I still can't fit into a pair of jeans smaller than a fifty four inch waist. I ask myself what in the world am I doing wrong, is there anything else I can change, when are results going to show themselves? Sam and I spoke about this at length yesterday. She calmly explains that yes this takes time but I promise you will notice a difference soon. Sam asks me to remember where I have come from and realize that okay, I have improved. I don't mean to repeat myself and please forgive me. I must look at the bright side and examine all the areas of my life that have changed for the better. When I first began training, Sam would correct me when doing an exercise wrong and of course me being the overly sensitive person I can be would get my feelings hurt. Today, that doesn't happen anymore. I can take being corrected without having my feelings on my sleeve. Now that is progress for me and those of you that have known me for a while know this. This reminds me about the film The Secret when one of the teachers discussed patience. It's easy for us to get impatient when results are not showing even though the seeds we planted are just about to break through the soil. Just before results begin to show themselves it's tempting to throw our hands up in the air and declare this doesn't work at all. The truth is anything in life worth having is worth working hard for even if it takes longer than we would like. My ideal body is not going to just fall from the sky and say "Here I am ready to go!" does not work that way. I will continue my quest to obtain health and well being, it will be worth it in the end. I'm not giving up it isn't an option I'm willing to accept. I like API's slogan: "Commit...No Excuses" and that my friends is my new motto. Be well and be blessed.

Moving in the right direction

Gaining weight is a viscous cycle. Losing weight is positive but requires time, effort, and lots of hard work. In a sense I have to get my hands dirty and get the job done. There is no turning back and the only direction I can go is forward. I have to force myself to move beyond all the kicking, screaming, wanting to give up, anger and push myself into a more balanced way of "being". Today was one of those days I had to get my head straight and shake off the negativity. Feeling upset about the past and everything that contributed to my weight gain isn't going to do me any good. The only useful part of the past is looking at where I have come from. Just three months ago I could not walk down the hallway without losing my breath. Today I walked for three and a half minutes without stopping. I didn't feel like dying or like a fish out of water. That is a huge step. When you have gotten to a point where everyday activities are impossible life is depressing. Taking small steps each day move me closer to reaching my goal. It will take time yes, but along the way I will have gained my life, dignity, self-respect, and self-worth back. I will have also become a stronger person not so afraid of the world or constantly worrying about what others think about me. I have arrived to the point where I'm not wasting time with people who are not healthy for me. There are individuals I have to let go of for any number of reasons. It hurts, it hurts deeply and I don't like it. I am surrounding myself with others who are more in tuned with my goals. Life is funny friends move in and out of our lives so quickly. I have friends from way back I was so close to and could never imagine my life without them and now, they never respond to me and it seems we have moved in different directions. I feel many changes are happening and that makes me feel wonderful. I feel hopeful at what the future holds. In my personal opinion, if you choose to lose weight please surround yourself with positive and supportive people. The support of family and friends is immeasurable. This isn't easy to do by yourself. This is true for any goal or challenge we have set for ourselves. Do not give up, do not let anyone bring you down, and please whatever you do, never allow anyone to take away what makes you, you. Be blessed and well.

Telling myself to relax

The saying "be careful what you wish for" is absolutely true. Yesterday when I asked for a more challenging workout I got exactly that. I enjoyed every moment of it too. I love pushing my limits just enough to see how far I can go. On my final exercise, I had to stop limit had been reached. I have a habit of worrying excessively about anything and everything ( I know, one of my bad habits :-)   right?).  Sam knows this about me and explained the difference between saying "Oh I can't do this forget it and I have reached my limit and can do no more". I had run out of fuel and stopped in my tracks. I have to remind myself that I'm working diligently towards my goal. My hard work and determination  will pay off. Now I need to find ways to stop the excessive worry. I feel as I gain more self-confidence and self-esteem I won't worry so much, feel anxious, etc.

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine the other day and she reminded me about one element that is missing from my life. That is daily meditation. The lights and buzzers begin to go off in my mind and I have an eureka moment. I forget that I must take time to just simply "be". Living in the present moment is one of the healthiest things I can do for myself. There is no sense in living in the past or worrying about the future. A Reiki Master once asked me "How are you right now?" I replied "I am well" she explained how since I'm okay right in this moment, then I'm just fine. I have to stop worrying about things I can't change. I am now making a goal to add daily meditation to my daily routine. The thought just occurred to me that I have lots of good advice to give others but I rarely apply that to myself. I think some changes are in order. Today is a fantastic time to start following some of my own advice and see what I can accomplish. Be well and blessed.

Frustrations strike again

This post will be brief today since I'm a wee bit rushed. Maintaining good eating habits is so much easier at home than when out of town. I will be in the car for a few hours today and I dread what snacking options will be open to me. I certainly don't want to starve but I also do not want to ruin my eating plan either. I already texted my trainer requesting a rigorous workout and she reassured me I will be worn out. That helps my feelings. I will ask her what's good to snack on and what to avoid like the plague. What aggravates me is that most convenient stores do not offer healthy options. I wish they would.

I have a new habit of reading food labels and I am amazed at the "healthy" foods that are loaded with tons of sugar. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself about this but I feel it's vital to pay attention to what I put in my body. Honestly, if I'm not "perfect" today I will not punish myself over it. Today is only one day and I can start over tomorrow. I feel I am doing a good job and making the progress I've always wanted. Be well.

New Week

Today began as any other day, nothing unusual happening except for the rain. I'm getting ready to see Sam for my workout session. I notice as I looked in the mirror something was noticeably different today. My clothes were fitting better my t-shirt more loose fitting and my jaw hit the floor. I glanced again in the mirror and my face is definitely thinner and more defined. I can't believe what I'm seeing! Wow!!! That was all I could say. Everyone but myself has noticed my weight loss they swear up and down I'm looking better. While others compliment me on my progress I have trouble seeing what they see. I guess it has to do with I look at myself everyday. Maybe. I examine my face more closely and the dark circles are gone from my eyes. I no longer resemble a zombie but now feel full of life and energy.

This morning was a turning point in the right direction. All of my effort and determination is paying off finally. Making some much needed sacrifices on my part has paid dividends. I know I've said before losing weight does not have to be miserable, it isn't. There may be times when I question what in the world am I doing, is this worth it? I can't begin to tell you how many times I've wanted to raid every convenient store in East Texas for Twinkies. Those dratted Twinkies always tempting me. Drats!!!! LOL!!! This brings me back to the question of how badly do I want weight loss. I want this bad enough to do whatever it is within the realm of safety to achieve health. In all honesty this process isn't all that bad as long as I am able to keep things in perspective. I keep looking at what my final goal is and focus on that. I'm not worried about how to get there. I just know that I will.

Today's workout was rigorous. That's the best word I can come up with. I told Sam that my legs were sore after pushing the prowler across the gym and she replied "Good!". I think she gets a kick out of that. In all seriousness I feel it is another sign of progress. I can only do the best that I can and that is good enough. Be well and blessed.

One of those days

Today is starting out to be one of those days I don't feel like eating. I'm not upset, angry or even depressed. Eating is not on my list of priorities today. However, eating is important. I've had to change my philosophy from one of living to eat and learning to eat to live. That's a tough lesson for someone who has a history of loving food. I must strike a balance between eating for the hell of it and then eating so I can have energy and be healthy. There have been occasions during the past three months when I thought I can't take this anymore and want to stop. Food has had such a strong hold over me and it sucks. I think about food and the role it plays in my life. When I have been bored, anxious, upset, angry, depressed etc...I have automatically turned to food in hopes of soothing the pain, relieving boredom, or as medicine for a person that has been broken down for so long. I can't forget the happy occasions like my birthday, or Thanksgiving when I have certainly overdone the eating and hurt myself. Those of you that have known me for years know I have struggled with depression almost my entire life. I have tried numerous medications in the hopes of treating the unbearable sadness, hurt, pain, anger, and all the other ugly parts of my life. I haven't had the worse life in the world. I many ways, I have had and still enjoy a wonderful and blessed life. I have a loving and supportive family. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have a dog that has brought me so much happiness and smiles. I still have wounds though from the past that need me to let them go. Letting go isn't easy, dealing with the ugly and unpleasant parts of life isn't fun either. It amazes me how much a part of weight loss this entails. I must find healthier ways to deal with my emotions. I have to. There are days I feel so ticked off at the world I could scream and other days when all I feel is love.

Exercise has given me an outlet for all of my stress, anger issues, and everything else. When my workout sessions are done I feel so good, alive, vibrant, and yes love and bliss. The feeling is indescribable. For the rest of the day I feel on top of the world and feel renewed. It's almost like this process is removing all of the rough edges, knocking the chips off my shoulders. I am beginning to feel free from the bondage of weight gain. I must admit that my mind is more willing some days than my body is. My body never fails to tell me "Stop! Or else!". I keep moving forward to my goal. All of the struggles, bad days, make this journey well worth it to me. I know for certain that things get better and they will keep doing just that. My life has improved immensely and I know this year, my 38th birthday will be unlike any birthday I've ever had.  I will not be the same person wishing there was a way to feel better. Feeling better has now become a way of life. I feel a deeper connection with God, The Universe, nature, the world around me. I realize I'm finding who I really am. I think part of that answer is that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and this is one of my experiences. My intention with this blog is to encourage others that obtaining health is possible. It does not require being miserable. I believe with all of my heart that nothing is impossible. Everyday that point is proven true to me. May you all be blessed.

Current Progress

I started API on March 21, 2011. I have been keeping a daily log since May 19, 2011. I find it useful to keep a record of my feelings, good days, and even not so good days. Keeping a daily food journal was helpful to me when I first began training. It brought into focus what I was doing right and what I needed to change. It wasn't easy or fun and there were times I wished to God I could have changed an entry or two but wouldn't dare do that. I only did the food journal for about two weeks, that was enough time to get a good idea of what I was doing. Keeping a daily food log really opened my eyes and made change much easier. I continue my daily log so I am able to track my progress. I look forward to looking back over my entries to see what I went through and what I felt.

I have cut out junk food and especially fast food. I do not eat bread, pasta, or rice at night. I allow myself only two cokes per day.  My trainer and Josh told me it was not necessary to cut out all soda just reduce my intake gradually. For every soda I leave off, I replace with a glass of ice water. I always have a coke when I first wake up. I admit to not being a fan of coffee. I don't know what it is, I cannot stand the stuff. Anyone who knows my dear mother knows that her coffee is strong enough to walk away on its own! I'm serious. My eating plan is not about what I have to give up but rather making adjustments here and there. The word "diet" is not in my vocabulary. I feel that two things are important when losing weight: eating good healthy food in moderation and finally exercise. By exercise, I am not talking about biking for twenty miles per day. If you are one of those lucky few I admire you. I can't do that just yet will I ever be able to? I'm not worried about it. My primary aim is to become fit and healthy. That does not mean I must be a size 7 and weigh some magical number I pull out from the sky. I am excited to see how far I can take myself. One of the most important and fun elements to my meal plan are two treat meals per week. It can be anything I want but I never go crazy and eat till I can pop. As I have progressed my treat meals have become less about eating fast food but taking the opportunity to eat mashed potatoes something I don't eat every day. I usually go see my mom for my treat meals. I love eating her good Southern cooking. We eat healthy but do have a dessert that's worth waiting for.  It works out well. It also gives me something to look forward to. I can have my treat meals any two days of the week too.  The purpose of the treat meals serve as a reward for being good the other days of the week. It helps psychologically too. It helped me not feel as if I had to make a million sacrifices just to lose weight.

Back to my exercise routine. When I first began I could only walk in increments of one minute maybe 3 or 4 times per session. I didn't realize even just a little bit could make a huge difference but it did. The point I'm trying to make is just get moving at what ever level is best for you. Now I can walk ten minutes without any problems. On Thursday, I walked while carrying a fifty pound keg of water. I was thrilled and it showed me what sticking with the program has done for me. Sam has told me repeatedly that anything in life worth having is worth working hard for. I agree wholeheartedly. I can understand that seeing progress can take time but I've learned to be patient with myself. I feel this last thought is a good one to leave on. Today has been a terrific day. I feel so blessed.

The Realization Conclusion

I arrive nervously to my first appointment at API in Tyler. I had no idea what to expect. I see the door with skull and cross bones design and immediately felt intimidated. I am asking myself what the hell am I getting myself into. As I walk inside, I see battle ropes, over sized tractor and truck tires. and I begin to feel excited. I realize how much fun I will soon be having. My anxiety and fear were immediately put to ease by the owner Josh. He explained the program, what to expect, and how this will change my life. Josh asks me to stay another thirty minutes so he can assess my condition. He requests that I walk casually for two minutes pretending I was at the mall. It didn't take thirty seconds for me to get out of breath and feel like a fish out of water. The enormity of my weight hit me hard like a hammer. Here I was barely able to walk for two minutes!!! I thought oh my something has got to change and now! I want to add that me waking up to reality started when I was unable to do basic things all of us do every day and take for granted. I was not able to tie my shoes, I couldn't even put on a pair of bluejeans without feeling like I had  been put through boot camp. Being obese sucks and it takes the life out of you. Morbid obesity feels like committing suicide slowly and painfully. That's my experience and I was falling apart on the inside. When my assessment was done, I made my first appointment with my trainer Sam. She was so nice to me and helped me feel comfortable and reassured me that we were going to work on this together. Sam was on my side and cheering me on. My first day of training was amazing. I cried, laughed, and for the first time felt I was finally on the right track. I always wanted a personal trainer and now it seemed that God, the Universe, or whatever you call it blessed me BIG time!!!!! I feel that I owe a world of gratitude to my mother who has been there for me every step of the way. She and I both have spent years trying to find an answer, anything that would help me feel better. On my paperwork, the reasons for losing weight: To Get My Life and Dignity Back. The reason for weight gain: Too much junk and way too many cokes (I was drinking half a twelve pack easy!!!). Sam explained how moving even just a little bit makes a huge difference. If all you can do is walk thirty seconds, then by golly do it.  It's a starting place and beats doing nothing. The great thing is that you can work up to walking one minute, two minutes and so on. Weight loss takes determination, lifestyle changes, and the ability to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up. I didn't gain weight because I'm a loser and a sorry individual. It was a combination of many factors and took time. I am discovering as I begin to work on my health, I feel better, I can finally SLEEP ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! Heck last week I walked around Wal-Mart, it felt like a workout but I did it. So there's progress and I've been doing this for three months now. I wish you all could see me my first day and then see me today during working out. I'm not the same person. Sam is a tremendous source of inspiration. She pushes me too but not beyond my limits. Sam always reminds me that I am the one doing the hard work, she's just there guiding me. I feel blessed and so happy. Be well and be blessed!

The Realization

It's difficult to know where exactly where to begin but I will try to be as brief as possible. I have been obese and now morbidly obese my entire life. The year 2010 was one of the worst of my life. I was sick, tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had a great job but my health problems along with other challenges made it difficult to maintain it so I left. I'm not here to criticize my former employer or start anything but just give you an idea of my own personal hell. Last year was the beginning of my health nightmare, I couldn't sleep, walk around in Wal-Mart or any other store without losing my breath and feeling as if I would die. I was sick almost all of 2010. I had been on approximately five medications for depression and anxiety that were only making things worse. One of my medications caused me to lose hair not a lot but enough to worry me, another two spiked my blood sugar and helped pack the pounds. Now in all honesty, I had my own fair share in contributing to my own weight gain. I take full responsibility for my actions or lack of taking any action. My daily life last year consisted of the following: waking up, eating, watching TV now repeat this everyday for months and you'll have an idea of what I'm talking about. Now move forward to March 2011. I make an appointment to see the doctor. My regular physician was not available so I saw someone else. I didn't realize how they would help change my life forever. I explained all of my symptoms, how I couldn't sleep, felt depressed, anxious, and angry with myself for being at a whopping 349 pounds. I never intended for this to happen and I feel that some people in my situation may feel the same way. I mean, how many people wake up wanting to be morbidly obese? Not me but it happened. This physician who I'll just call Wendy asked me about working out. I said I hate traditional gyms because of all the mirrors, and then all the "perfect" people walking around admiring their physiques. Hell, if I could look like that I would too. Wendy then asked if I have heard of API in Tyler. I replied no and she told me about caveman training, how wonderful the trainers are etc... What really got my interest was the fact no one laughs or makes fun of anyone at the gym, also the obvious lack of mirror. Those two things were a dream come true. My first phone call I give my name, the person who recommended them, explained I was morbidly obese and sick and tired of it, and could they help me. The person on the other end replied "yes, of course we can." That was all I needed. Okay enough for now more later.