One of those days

Today is starting out to be one of those days I don't feel like eating. I'm not upset, angry or even depressed. Eating is not on my list of priorities today. However, eating is important. I've had to change my philosophy from one of living to eat and learning to eat to live. That's a tough lesson for someone who has a history of loving food. I must strike a balance between eating for the hell of it and then eating so I can have energy and be healthy. There have been occasions during the past three months when I thought I can't take this anymore and want to stop. Food has had such a strong hold over me and it sucks. I think about food and the role it plays in my life. When I have been bored, anxious, upset, angry, depressed etc...I have automatically turned to food in hopes of soothing the pain, relieving boredom, or as medicine for a person that has been broken down for so long. I can't forget the happy occasions like my birthday, or Thanksgiving when I have certainly overdone the eating and hurt myself. Those of you that have known me for years know I have struggled with depression almost my entire life. I have tried numerous medications in the hopes of treating the unbearable sadness, hurt, pain, anger, and all the other ugly parts of my life. I haven't had the worse life in the world. I many ways, I have had and still enjoy a wonderful and blessed life. I have a loving and supportive family. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have a dog that has brought me so much happiness and smiles. I still have wounds though from the past that need me to let them go. Letting go isn't easy, dealing with the ugly and unpleasant parts of life isn't fun either. It amazes me how much a part of weight loss this entails. I must find healthier ways to deal with my emotions. I have to. There are days I feel so ticked off at the world I could scream and other days when all I feel is love.

Exercise has given me an outlet for all of my stress, anger issues, and everything else. When my workout sessions are done I feel so good, alive, vibrant, and yes love and bliss. The feeling is indescribable. For the rest of the day I feel on top of the world and feel renewed. It's almost like this process is removing all of the rough edges, knocking the chips off my shoulders. I am beginning to feel free from the bondage of weight gain. I must admit that my mind is more willing some days than my body is. My body never fails to tell me "Stop! Or else!". I keep moving forward to my goal. All of the struggles, bad days, make this journey well worth it to me. I know for certain that things get better and they will keep doing just that. My life has improved immensely and I know this year, my 38th birthday will be unlike any birthday I've ever had.  I will not be the same person wishing there was a way to feel better. Feeling better has now become a way of life. I feel a deeper connection with God, The Universe, nature, the world around me. I realize I'm finding who I really am. I think part of that answer is that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and this is one of my experiences. My intention with this blog is to encourage others that obtaining health is possible. It does not require being miserable. I believe with all of my heart that nothing is impossible. Everyday that point is proven true to me. May you all be blessed.