Eureka Moment

A dear friend of mine commented yesterday on my facebook page about my blog. She made an excellent point and it got me thinking about the real reasons behind my weight gain. My friend said my weight wasn't the real issue but "the most glaring symptom of my inner turmoil". She's right. I've got so much inner turmoil it isn't funny. I used to apologize every time I would enter a room. I think back now and can hardly believe I hated myself that much! I still have issues of self hatred and I struggle daily with those each day. I have a terrible habit of hitting myself when I make a mistake. I did that yesterday during the early portion of my workout. Honestly, there was no good reason for me to get mad at myself so, I had difficulty doing something that normally would be easy for me. I wish I could stop all of this immediately but hopefully I will gradually. I really want to be healthy emotionally and physically. I've taken my share of beatings in the emotions department but I don't want to make excuses. But Hell...I remember teachers, guidance counselors telling me I was STUPID or too SLOW!!!  These people should never say anything like this to anyone! When I closely examine what type of people they are I no longer feel so bad about myself. I came from a small town in Southwest Arkansas where this type of behavior is prevalent. It was a small town full of small minded people who made a habit of hurting those they thought less of. My hometown isn't completely full of hateful people, one of my oldest and dearest friends of thirty years resides there. Good, loving people do live there it's just that some of the most hateful and critical individuals I came across are from there.  Sometimes I feel so trapped by all of my own personal issues and wonder is there really a way to get past them. My former English teacher Lucia told me several times that what others thought about me was not a reflection of who I was as a person. That has always stuck with me even though I'm not the greatest at following advice. I'm so hard headed and tend to take the difficult path in learning life's lessons. One of my biggest fears is that I've let everyone in my life down, especially myself. When I was growing up I never visualized having all of the issues I have now. I thought for sure I would have my life together at least in a "normal" sense. What the heck is normal anyway? I gave up on that a long time ago. Maybe food has been a way that I've nursed myself from all the hurts I've gotten in life. It could be that this is a part of the puzzle of my dysfunction. I feel much better now and I thank you all for your time. Be well and blessed.