Life After Obesity

I often times wonder what will my life be when the excess weight is off. How will I dress? What kind of attitude will I have? Will I be brave enough to wear dresses again but this time feeling really good about it. Or... the thought of getting my ears pierced? Hmmmm so many things to think about. I get all excited knowing that each day I'm getting closer to my goal. My trainer has emphasized small obtainable goals. Okay I can go with that but I have a very important event to prepare for. The significance of this future event motivates me even more because it's going to kick butt. I'm sorry but you'll just have to wait. I will let you know when it happens. I feel like I'm undergoing an extensive deconstruction only to be totally rebuilt. I am becoming a different person. All I've ever known is obesity. I have always been a little heavy or really heavy my entire life. This is an emotional realization for me because I have no clue what to expect. I'm thrilled but a little nervous. I've always thought that people lose weight and then life simply goes on from there. That hasn't been my experience at all. I will be living my life in a new and better way. I'm off to have a fabulous weekend planning a new life full of happiness and success. Be well and be blessed.

An Amazing Gift

My mother has always been a tremendous part of my life. When I was born, my chances of survival were fairly slim. She recalls doctors, friends, and loved ones coming into her room saying how sorry they were that she was going to lose her baby. I was placed inside an incubator not expected to live long. However, my mom turned the situation around in her mind. She told everyone to not come and visit her if they were convinced of my imminent demise. My mom knew deep down that I was going to live and now here I am over thirty seven years later writing these words. My mother didn't spend time worrying about the hows, she just knew and believed that her baby was going to live. I think back to that story and feel blown away by her deep faith. This isn't any different than what The Secret says. Why should it not be possible for us to turn our lives around by simply changing the way we view the situation? It's taken me over ten years to understand this concept. I have changed the way I look at my body and health. I declare myself to be healthy and fit but also do the work necessary to achieve that goal. I do not expect for things I want to miraculously fall from the heavens into my hands. I am a firm believer in taking action. I've been told countless times that I think and analyze too much. I love thinking about stuff like this and it is becoming much easier for me to see the possibilities in life instead of limitations. My mom has always told me that God or the Universe has more solutions to our problems than we could ever imagine. I believe it one hundred percent. I am open to the endless possibilities around me. Thanks again mom!!!!!! I love you!!!!

Inner Strength

Throughout my journey I have discovered two types of inner strength inside me. I have my physical strength that has been steadily increasing and then my inner, spiritual, motivation to get through challenges. I've always considered myself a fairly strong person physically. My father had me splitting fire wood and tilling the garden at a young age. I was raised to know what hard physical work was like. I'm talking picking up every pine cone and stick in a one to two acre yard well, it was boring and tedious and not any fun at all. I am confident that the word fun did not enter my father's mind when he was choosing our daily chores. However, he along with my mother taught me the value of work. Then there is the inner strength inside me that hasn't always been as strong until now. As my body is undergoing a physical transformation my spiritual strength is coming into its own. There are distinct times during my life when my inner strength was all I had. While I attended boarding school it took everything I had to stay sane during my two years. It wasn't because I was miserable being there, I loved it, I thrived but the hardest part was feeling helpless being so far from home. The most difficult and emotionally draining thing to have ever happened to me was the death of my young cousin, Gwyneth in 2007. She had been ill for quite some time and we all knew the end result. Unfortunately, she had an incurable illness that took her away too soon. She may have been my cousin, but I loved her with all my heart. I still cry to this day because the hurt was so deep. Gwyneth and I never argued and she was always, always so very sweet and kind to me. She gave me the best hugs and I always knew that she loved me no matter what. Gwyneth had qualities  I admired and respected. She could care less what anyone thought about her she was a genuine person. What you saw was what you got. I would love to not give a hoot about what anyone thinks about me. I feel she would want me to buck up and do whatever it is I have to do to get my life back. What she endured pales in comparison to my weight gain and weight loss. I know I can do this and her memory is one of the many things that keep me motivated. My inner voice may be above a whisper now but a year from now I will be roaring to victory. Be well and be blessed.

Feeling Like Superman

I feel like Superman today. Today is one of those days when I believe I can do, be, and have anything I desire. I love days like today when I'm reminded that ANYTHING is possible. I firmly believe that and strive towards perfecting that belief. I'm not talking fairy tales here either. I am talking about the ability to create my life any way I want. Many years ago, I was a member of a tiny Methodist Church in Edom, Tx a lovely place. The pastor's name was Bruce and in one of his sermons he explained how everyday is like a blank sheet of paper. We can do whatever we want with that paper. We can choose to do nothing or do something constructive, the possibilities are endless. I've always kept that in my mind. I will admit there were days in my life when I have done absolutely nothing with my daily blank sheet of paper. I spent almost the entire year of 2000 playing a PC game Diablo II Lord of Destruction. It's a really cool game but definitely not a productive way to spend one's day. Last summer was similar minus the constant game playing, I just ate and watched TV. Thankfully today is completely different and I spend each day being constructive. It doesn't matter if that involves cleaning my house, watering plants, whatever it is as along as I'm doing something. My father once told me that we should spend our time like we spend our money and he's right. If we're careful on how we spend our money then time should be no different. I would like to think that I've gotten much better at time management but there is room for improvement. You may have noticed that recently, I've missed some days on writing this blog. That is because I do not want to fill this up or waste your time with a bunch of blah blah blah. I want my readers to come away feeling as if they have learned something valuable or maybe it helped you feel better. This blog needs to be useful not just another string of words that really say nothing. I strive to do the best I can. I admit I have a habit of rereading my blogs to make sure I got everything right. Today is a fantastic day and I'm thankful for it. I will be grateful for feeling like Superman today and remember these feelings so when I have a challenging day, I'll have something to come back to. Be well and be blessed.

Bright Outlook

Yesterday and today made up for Tuesday and Wednesday being miserable for me. I noticed while doing lunges that my stomach is noticeably smaller!!!!  For me this is huge news. I've always known I'm making progress but it is sweet when I finally can see it. I can now speak while walking, pushing the prowler across the floor and all of my other exercises. I am amazed I have gone from being out of breath with every step to talking while exercising. My first appointment my heart rate after a two minute walk was a whopping 185! Resting heart rate was 96. One month ago heart rate after two minute walk was 125 and resting pulse was 82. Today after lunges, my heart rate was 90 and that was after resting two minutes. Not too shabby in my book. I may have said all of this before but it proves to me that my body is telling me I'm on the right track. I wish all of you could feel the relief I'm experiencing right now knowing I'm on my way to great health. I wish some people could walk in the shoes of a severely obese person and know what it's like, maybe they would stop insulting overweight individuals. I have a fear about a photo of me being posted on the people of Walmart webpage. Honestly if we could all walk in each others shoes maybe we could all be nicer to one another. I've got plenty of faults I'm working on and one of them is to cut down on complaining so much. Life is so good there is really no need to complain about every little thing. However, nothing beats a good venting with a good friend who is there for you. I feel blessed to have this blog as a way to vent frustrations but most of all to tell about all the wonderful things that keep happening. Be well and be blessed.

Eureka Moment

A dear friend of mine commented yesterday on my facebook page about my blog. She made an excellent point and it got me thinking about the real reasons behind my weight gain. My friend said my weight wasn't the real issue but "the most glaring symptom of my inner turmoil". She's right. I've got so much inner turmoil it isn't funny. I used to apologize every time I would enter a room. I think back now and can hardly believe I hated myself that much! I still have issues of self hatred and I struggle daily with those each day. I have a terrible habit of hitting myself when I make a mistake. I did that yesterday during the early portion of my workout. Honestly, there was no good reason for me to get mad at myself so, I had difficulty doing something that normally would be easy for me. I wish I could stop all of this immediately but hopefully I will gradually. I really want to be healthy emotionally and physically. I've taken my share of beatings in the emotions department but I don't want to make excuses. But Hell...I remember teachers, guidance counselors telling me I was STUPID or too SLOW!!!  These people should never say anything like this to anyone! When I closely examine what type of people they are I no longer feel so bad about myself. I came from a small town in Southwest Arkansas where this type of behavior is prevalent. It was a small town full of small minded people who made a habit of hurting those they thought less of. My hometown isn't completely full of hateful people, one of my oldest and dearest friends of thirty years resides there. Good, loving people do live there it's just that some of the most hateful and critical individuals I came across are from there.  Sometimes I feel so trapped by all of my own personal issues and wonder is there really a way to get past them. My former English teacher Lucia told me several times that what others thought about me was not a reflection of who I was as a person. That has always stuck with me even though I'm not the greatest at following advice. I'm so hard headed and tend to take the difficult path in learning life's lessons. One of my biggest fears is that I've let everyone in my life down, especially myself. When I was growing up I never visualized having all of the issues I have now. I thought for sure I would have my life together at least in a "normal" sense. What the heck is normal anyway? I gave up on that a long time ago. Maybe food has been a way that I've nursed myself from all the hurts I've gotten in life. It could be that this is a part of the puzzle of my dysfunction. I feel much better now and I thank you all for your time. Be well and blessed.

Daily Food Intake

I was asked to clarify a few things about my eating habits. I have changed my view of food from one of living to eat to one of eating to live. I must eat healthy food in order to have energy to maintain proper health. I've had to make myself do this. I remind myself that in order to lose weight I must stop eating for no good reason. Today I showed my trainer a photo of what I had on my plate Thanksgiving Day. I explained I had eaten two helpings of what I had on my plate, it was a huge amount of food. Sam's jaw hit the floor and after she picked it up exclaimed she couldn't believe it. It's true I used to shovel food down my throat as if it were my last meal. My favorite snacks are: grapes, apples, strawberries, sunflower seeds ( a very small amount usually sprinkled on cottage cheese), tomatoes, and almonds. I make it a point to eat foods that build my health. Long gone are the days of eating an entire bag of Doritos, or an entire sleeve of crackers while drinking a Coca Cola. I was especially bad at night while suffering from insomnia eating was just another way to occupy my time. I will repeat emphatically that in my humble opinion, weight loss is a lifestyle change. It involves eating healthy and exercising. Eating healthy does not involve eating like a rabbit. For example, breakfast I have two scrambled eggs, a slice of multi-grain toast, apple slices with natural peanut butter. Lunch usually consists of a meat and two vegetables. On days I work out I may eat a bowl of mult-grain spaghetti, and dinner I have a rule that eliminates anything starchy. That means no rice, pasta, bread, potatoes, or corn at night. The last part may sound a little extreme but it's only temporary. By this time next year I should be able to slowly add in those things I'm not allowed to eat everyday but in moderation. Eating in moderation has become my new mantra. I also have discovered that if allowed to wait a few minutes after eating a meal, I'm usually feeling full. I give my food time to settle a few minutes before getting anything else. Even on my cheat meals I'm no longer over eating. I eat a single portion and feel satisfied. Sometimes this sucks like earlier this morning but the benefits outweigh the struggles. This blog is more than just about my weight, it's about getting my life back one day at a time. It doesn't always feel pleasant but I wouldn't change my decision to do all of this for anything in the world. Most importantly, my journey is allowing more wonderful things to enter into my life and I'm ready to accept them. Be well and blessed.

Going with the flow

Today's workout kicked my butt the first half. I felt so ticked off with myself and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "I'm done!!!!! Freaking done with this crap!!!!" but I can't do that. I have a real anger problem and I will be honest about that. I don't mean too but I do and there have been numerous times in my life where my temper has gotten me in trouble. My dear trainer reminds me it's okay and we all have days when our workouts are difficult but we must continue or progress will not be made. The word progress has become a thorn in my side. My reason is I feel physically I'm not making any progress even though people tell me till they are blue in the face I look better. I still feel like a fat loser. I know I'm far from that but it's how I feel sometimes. I just hate being this way and it hurts. I fear this will never change and that I'm just wasting time and money on this training.  However, after shaking all the negativity off of me I tell myself I am achieving a goal it just takes time.  I feel like I'm asking God for patience but telling Him to hurry. I know better than to ask for patience because I've been through times in my life where I thought "I can't handle one more day of ... you fill in the blank". Venting helps me feel better and Sam is always there listening to me bless her. I'm blessed to have a trainer like Sam. I can't handle a drill sergeant right now maybe later but definitely not when my emotions appear on my sleeve. Sam still pushes me but she's gentle about it and uses humor to help me forget about being aggravated. She helps me a great deal and always seems to know how to help me feel better or at least look at the bright side. I'm not trying to place her upon a pedestal but after hearing a lot of people from my past put me down it's  so nice to hear an encouraging voice. The rest of my workout was lots of fun and I ended up feeling so much better. No complaints there. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be at the gym at 8:00AM ready to go with a renewed sense of purpose. I am going to make it. I will even though I feel like I'm getting no where. In reality I'm moving further than I ever thought possible. Be well and blessed. Thank you so much Sam for everything.

Enjoying Life

I always love visiting with my mom on my treat days. She makes such good food plus I enjoy spending time with her. Today we had lasagna and strawberry pound cake for dessert. During our meal my mom is fussing about about how the lasagna doesn't look perfect or the pound cake fell apart when she removed it from the pan. Personally, those details do not bother me. What matters is that my mother prepares our meals with love and good natural ingredients. I always feel healed when I eat food she fixes for me no matter how fancy or simple. Last summer when I was so sick she made me a cool tall glass of lemon grass tea. I thought I died and went to heaven with every sip. Just like the negative people in our lives are our teachers the positive ones are too. There is so much I can learn from my mom. She has compassion for living things especially plants and animals. I want to be a much more loving person and not so full of anger and impatience. I keep telling myself I will get there. I know I will. There are a million emotions I'm feeling during this moment. It's challenging to put all that I feel and think into words. Life has never felt so good to me as it has now and I have never felt so loved and cared about as I have now. I'm finally healing after all these years of struggling to like myself, and wishing at times that I could die. I want to live now more than ever. I want to see how far I can go, and find this person that's been hiding all these years. I have no idea what I'll be like this time next year but I am confident I will not be the same. I will be whole. Be well and blessed.

Thank You

I owe each of you a huge "Thank You" for following me so far on my journey. I have been touched by your thoughts of encouragement and also appreciate the advice you give me. I was unsure if anyone would be interested but you have been and that means the world to me.
I have realized during this journey and struggle there have been a million things I've taken for granted and I refuse to do that anymore. I will never take for granted the many blessings I have. The fact I wake up each day,being able to walk, see, speak, hear, are miracles. I never realized how important something is until I am unable to do it any longer. It is my hope that I will say more thank yous than complaints. I feel that a lot of my complaining and being ungrateful have gotten me in trouble. I believe that our thoughts and especially words are powerful. There are others in this world who have it way worse than I ever thought of  and still manage find something to be happy about. Being happy is a choice I have to make each day and it's a worthwhile ambition. Not only am I on a health mission but a spiritual one as well. I feel the two intertwine and play a huge part in my life. I have read the books "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra (and many others by him I am a huge fan) and of course "The Secret" and "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne. I understand people have their opinions whether good or bad about "The Secret". I may not agree with everything it says but something about it rings true with me. Actually a lot of it rings true with me. I'm not saying look at the world through rose colored glasses besides, that color wouldn't look good on me. The biggest challenge with these wonderful books has been finding a way to help it work in my own life. If others have done it, are doing it, then I can too. I think I have a few mental blocks that prevent me from being able to let go and just "be". I will definitely get there. I will. I'm finding my happiness as I progress through my quest for health and fitness. I feel I will be surprised with all that I will achieve. Change is a good thing, it sure beats not doing a thing about my problems. Be well and blessed.